chapel static

There’s a strange feeling that’s been lingering in me for a while now. This desire for change and reinvention. The current state of my life is one I am so deeply unhappy with, so I am caught in the crossfires of a desperate want for change and the anxiety of what change may bring.

I have always been reluctant to change, not that it is bad, but that change is an uncertain thing. I believe it comes from the depths of my conditioning, childhood trauma stains you, and does not ever truly wash away. Though the scars you endure in childhood may crust over, there are always things we subconsciously are affected by. Change has been a constant struggle, my childhood was filled with adversity, constant attempts at reform in my family dynamic that failed left me seeing how change never resulted positively.

In saying that, I can also say that facing these fears may be exactly what I need to do, otherwise, I may always end up staying still.